[ He gestures to where a younger Chris had written in the margins of all the quiz sections, circling the correct answer and doodling next to the ones he didn't know or didn't like or didn't agree with.
He laughs, lifting a hand to thumb at the pout of Loki's lower lip. ]
Oh, is that how you got your commission? Better not tell the brass, I don't think that's a fully-sanctioned path to Starfleet.
[ Smiling, Chris wiggles his thumb as Loki shakes his head like a dog with a rat between its teeth, stroking Loki's smirking lower lip again once its released and then lifting that arm to drape it over Loki's shoulders to keep him close.
He has to eat his food one-handed now, but it's worth the aggravation. ]
You think so? [ One of the other benefits of this position is that it makes it much easier to nose at the nape of Loki's neck, breathing in the combined scent of his skin and Chris's soap that makes something fond and possessive practically purr in his chest. ] And where would this consort sit? On a cushion at my feet?
[ Why on earth would Chris wrestle Loki out of his lap?
He scrambles to lift his chili out of the way to make room for a determined godling to wriggle into his lap, letting himself be pushed back into the cushions and lifting incredulous eyebrows at Loki as he settles himself. ]
[ He sits there triumphantly and settles his book on Chris's chest to flip a page, eating his chili as if he didn't just turn Chris into his very own personal and pretty chair. ]
I'm taking my cadet quizzes, shh. I have to concentrate. I need to learn all about warp cores to pass this section and your handwriting is terrible.
Well can your revolution be a little less horizontal? I haven't finished eating.
[ Holding his bowl aloft, Chris reaches behind them and fumbles around until he finds a loose throw pillow he can stuff behind himself to help keep himself upright enough that he can keep eating while Loki pretends to read his textbooks. ]
My mom tried to force penmanship on us, but it never really took.
No, it can't, because you won't let me sit in your stupid chair so I obviously have to achieve the rank of captain too in order to take over your ship.
[ The most diabolical plan!! ]
Now, 'What constitutes a warp core breach?'
[ A pencil fizzes to life in Loki's hand as he goes to write, tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. ]
It's when ... the core of the warp ... is breached.
[ Chuckling, he rubs one hand up and down the long stretch of Loki's thigh tucked in close to his side as he perches on Chris's middle. ]
That's certainly one way to go about it...
[ Watching Loki frown in concentration at the textbook in front of him, Chris can't help the terribly fond smile that creases his face, his hand on Loki's leg continuing to slowly stroke as Loki writes. ]
That's not a passing answer. You'll get dinged for that on the exam.
I'm not wrong! Details, details. I'd be a great engineer, you don't know ...
[ The petting to his thighs settles him. His empty bowl is placed on the coffee table and he returns to his new book, scribbling in his own answers, entirely engaged in it. ]
I didn't say you were wrong, I said it wasn't a passing answer.
[ There's a slight, but not insignificant difference.
It's cute, the way Loki gets engrossed in what he's doing, even if he is just doing it for the bit or trying to be funny. Or, quite possibly, he's actually interested in what he's learning, which is even better. ]
[ Chris laughs, tucking his fingers in the front of Loki's purloined shirt so he can tug him down into a little bend, making it much easier for Chris to meet him halfway for a kiss. ]
[ He leans into the smooch, hand rising automatically to comb through and play with Chris's hair when so close. The joking disgust slips, revealing more genuine unease, and his voice softens. ]
When I grow old I grow bad. I can't be like that again.
[ Chris leans out to set his bowl down, then reaches back in to take both of Loki's long-fingered hands in his own, tangling their fingers together over the book balanced on his chest. ]
You've never had me around before. I can help.
[ Bold words for a man who's not going to make it out of the next decade without being stripped of every single metric he uses to measure his own sense of self. He pushes those thoughts aside, something he's grown very used to doing. ]
At thirty-something you are going to be just as beautiful as you are now, just as clever, just as kind. I just know it. [ He pulls those hands closer so he can kiss first one, then the other, looking at Loki from over his knuckles. ] Also, thirty-something isn't old. If it is, I'm ancient.
[ It's sweet, the reassurance Chris gives. It also doesn't touch the empty pit in his chest that knows better, keeping it tamped down so shades of it only show in the lingering sadness of his smile as he watches his curled fingers be kissed. ]
I refuse to enter into a future where I'm cruel and heartless. I would be. I have been.
[ Reeling one of their clasped hands in, he drops a kiss on Chris's knuckles in return. ]
I would rather die and change a hundred times over rather than be predictably hateful.
[ Sensing the shift in tone, Chris lets the fond teasing in his expression fade into something more solemn, focusing on doing all that he can to listen attentively so that Loki doesn't feel like his concerns are being brushed carelessly aside. ]
You've never had me around before. [ It bears repeating. Maybe that's one of the reasons Chris has been afforded this just-barely-a-decade of life left. Maybe this is one of the ways he can make a difference that lasts long beyond his own life. ] I don't want to sound arrogant, but. I can help. I want to help. I want to be there for you.
[ He doesn't know enough about Loki's life or his past or his mythos to make any kind of guess about what kind of support system he had, or didn't have, before, but if there's one thing Chris knows he can do, it's be damn supportive. Even if all he does is help Loki study for his quizzes if he actually decides to enroll in Starfleet, he'll be there. ]
The future isn't set in stone. [ Except for his, apparently. He's made peace with that. ] I believe in you.
No future is, but universes like the same patterns and try to repeat. I know I have you, but ...
[ His hands are still, gaze resting on them as (in the wake of feeling something more between them today) he dredges up a confession he's been dreading. ]
I change, Chris. Every time I die, I come back different. I remember most of what went before but it's like seeing a movie in a mirror. If something happens to me and I get killed, the Loki who comes back won't be me ... whoever it is, they will remember how I felt about you and absorb those memories, maybe even the feelings, but they won't have lived them.
[ Annoyed with his own description to at sounds so paltry and weak, he sighs. ]
The life of a god reflects their era. I am curious and mischievous, and I don't want to hurt anyone even when I do. Before me, I was wracked with guilt over the death of a child I killed. Before him, I was the magpie mentoring myself, that same child, and Loki was so very innocent in those days ... that was how I killed myself.
I'm always at war with Loki, you see. That's what being a chaos god means.
[ He won't lie, he doesn't fully understand Loki's explanation. Not because he didn't word it well, but mainly because he's never known a god before, never had to deal with the complexities of reincarnation, never had to think about what it might mean to be reborn with access to who you were before. Chris has only lived some forty-odd years on this earth, and if his soul belonged to another body before his, he has no memory of it.
All he knows is that the Loki of now, his Loki, is worth fighting for. And, more to the point, he's hurting over something that hasn't yet come to pass, that might never come to pass, because he wants to be good and he's afraid he'll disappoint. ]
So we'll just have to keep you from dying. [ What a hypocrite he's turning out to be. ] I'm sure I'll like any Loki I'm lucky enough to meet, but you ... [ he squeezes Loki's hands, waiting until those green eyes lift to meet his own, ] are the one I love.
[ He's not usually so verbose about his feelings, so forthright, but Loki is clearly struggling, and Chris wants to help. He has no idea if this will make things worse or not, but he has to try. ]
[ Swallowing the lump in his throat as he hears that admission has Loki feeling safe again, even if it's a lie. He's the prince of lies, surely he's allowed to have some pretty ones about his own future? ]
Okay.
[ Soft as the reply is, he offers a chaste kiss to seal his belief in Chris. The hair he stopped combing through gets some more attention and he hitches up a smile. ]
No matter what happens to me, I'll always keep you safe. I promise.
[ He could admit to what's in store for his own future. Loki might view his silence as deliberately obfuscating the truth, at an attempt to mislead him, some kind of way to lie to him when really all it is is an attempt to avoid making something that's clearly upsetting his boyfriend all about him and his own problems.
If they ever discuss Chris's future, it won't be piggybacking on memories of Loki's trauma. That's not fair to him. ]
Sweetheart.
[ He pulls the book out from between them and sets it aside, then twists them both to dump Loki onto the cushions alongside him so he can curl up between with Loki sandwiched between his chest and the back of the couch, his body a bulwark between him and the outside world. It's a tight squeeze, but they've already demonstrated they can fit, and Chris doesn't mind being a little squished if it means making that smile feel more genuine. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ He gestures to where a younger Chris had written in the margins of all the quiz sections, circling the correct answer and doodling next to the ones he didn't know or didn't like or didn't agree with.
He laughs, lifting a hand to thumb at the pout of Loki's lower lip. ]
Oh, is that how you got your commission? Better not tell the brass, I don't think that's a fully-sanctioned path to Starfleet.
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[ Loki captures the thumb at his lip between his teeth, giving it a gentle shake and smooch before letting it go. ]
It isn't? I'm shocked and appalled. [ Calmly turning the page to read more of the quiz. ] There should be a position called Captain's Consort.
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He has to eat his food one-handed now, but it's worth the aggravation. ]
You think so? [ One of the other benefits of this position is that it makes it much easier to nose at the nape of Loki's neck, breathing in the combined scent of his skin and Chris's soap that makes something fond and possessive practically purr in his chest. ] And where would this consort sit? On a cushion at my feet?
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[ Slouching more into Chris (careful around their bowls of chili!) Loki plants a laughing kiss on his cheek, fond and adoring. ]
What are you saying, even as your consort I don't get to sit in your chair? Chris!
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The Captain's Chair is for the captain, sweetheart, I'm sorry.
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[ Chris is going to have to wrestle off Loki climbing into his lap, dinner in tow in the hand that isn't pushing him back. ]
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He scrambles to lift his chili out of the way to make room for a determined godling to wriggle into his lap, letting himself be pushed back into the cushions and lifting incredulous eyebrows at Loki as he settles himself. ]
What revolution?
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[ He sits there triumphantly and settles his book on Chris's chest to flip a page, eating his chili as if he didn't just turn Chris into his very own personal and pretty chair. ]
I'm taking my cadet quizzes, shh. I have to concentrate. I need to learn all about warp cores to pass this section and your handwriting is terrible.
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[ Holding his bowl aloft, Chris reaches behind them and fumbles around until he finds a loose throw pillow he can stuff behind himself to help keep himself upright enough that he can keep eating while Loki pretends to read his textbooks. ]
My mom tried to force penmanship on us, but it never really took.
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[ The most diabolical plan!! ]
Now, 'What constitutes a warp core breach?'
[ A pencil fizzes to life in Loki's hand as he goes to write, tongue poking out the corner of his mouth. ]
It's when ... the core of the warp ... is breached.
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That's certainly one way to go about it...
[ Watching Loki frown in concentration at the textbook in front of him, Chris can't help the terribly fond smile that creases his face, his hand on Loki's leg continuing to slowly stroke as Loki writes. ]
That's not a passing answer. You'll get dinged for that on the exam.
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[ The petting to his thighs settles him. His empty bowl is placed on the coffee table and he returns to his new book, scribbling in his own answers, entirely engaged in it. ]
How long does it take to make captain?
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[ There's a slight, but not insignificant difference.
It's cute, the way Loki gets engrossed in what he's doing, even if he is just doing it for the bit or trying to be funny. Or, quite possibly, he's actually interested in what he's learning, which is even better. ]
Ten to fifteen years is pretty standard.
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I'd be old.
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Loki. How old are you already?
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[ He leans into the smooch, hand rising automatically to comb through and play with Chris's hair when so close. The joking disgust slips, revealing more genuine unease, and his voice softens. ]
When I grow old I grow bad. I can't be like that again.
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You've never had me around before. I can help.
[ Bold words for a man who's not going to make it out of the next decade without being stripped of every single metric he uses to measure his own sense of self. He pushes those thoughts aside, something he's grown very used to doing. ]
At thirty-something you are going to be just as beautiful as you are now, just as clever, just as kind. I just know it. [ He pulls those hands closer so he can kiss first one, then the other, looking at Loki from over his knuckles. ] Also, thirty-something isn't old. If it is, I'm ancient.
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I refuse to enter into a future where I'm cruel and heartless. I would be. I have been.
[ Reeling one of their clasped hands in, he drops a kiss on Chris's knuckles in return. ]
I would rather die and change a hundred times over rather than be predictably hateful.
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You've never had me around before. [ It bears repeating. Maybe that's one of the reasons Chris has been afforded this just-barely-a-decade of life left. Maybe this is one of the ways he can make a difference that lasts long beyond his own life. ] I don't want to sound arrogant, but. I can help. I want to help. I want to be there for you.
[ He doesn't know enough about Loki's life or his past or his mythos to make any kind of guess about what kind of support system he had, or didn't have, before, but if there's one thing Chris knows he can do, it's be damn supportive. Even if all he does is help Loki study for his quizzes if he actually decides to enroll in Starfleet, he'll be there. ]
The future isn't set in stone. [ Except for his, apparently. He's made peace with that. ] I believe in you.
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[ His hands are still, gaze resting on them as (in the wake of feeling something more between them today) he dredges up a confession he's been dreading. ]
You might not have me, as you know me, for long.
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What do you mean?
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[ Annoyed with his own description to at sounds so paltry and weak, he sighs. ]
The life of a god reflects their era. I am curious and mischievous, and I don't want to hurt anyone even when I do. Before me, I was wracked with guilt over the death of a child I killed. Before him, I was the magpie mentoring myself, that same child, and Loki was so very innocent in those days ... that was how I killed myself.
I'm always at war with Loki, you see. That's what being a chaos god means.
So ... I'm Loki, but I'm also ... me.
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All he knows is that the Loki of now, his Loki, is worth fighting for. And, more to the point, he's hurting over something that hasn't yet come to pass, that might never come to pass, because he wants to be good and he's afraid he'll disappoint. ]
So we'll just have to keep you from dying. [ What a hypocrite he's turning out to be. ] I'm sure I'll like any Loki I'm lucky enough to meet, but you ... [ he squeezes Loki's hands, waiting until those green eyes lift to meet his own, ] are the one I love.
[ He's not usually so verbose about his feelings, so forthright, but Loki is clearly struggling, and Chris wants to help. He has no idea if this will make things worse or not, but he has to try. ]
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Okay.
[ Soft as the reply is, he offers a chaste kiss to seal his belief in Chris. The hair he stopped combing through gets some more attention and he hitches up a smile. ]
No matter what happens to me, I'll always keep you safe. I promise.
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If they ever discuss Chris's future, it won't be piggybacking on memories of Loki's trauma. That's not fair to him. ]
Sweetheart.
[ He pulls the book out from between them and sets it aside, then twists them both to dump Loki onto the cushions alongside him so he can curl up between with Loki sandwiched between his chest and the back of the couch, his body a bulwark between him and the outside world. It's a tight squeeze, but they've already demonstrated they can fit, and Chris doesn't mind being a little squished if it means making that smile feel more genuine. ]
This is some heavy talk over my bread.
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